By Carol Goh
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Individuals who struggle to form relationships with others are likely to have a fear of intimacy. Intimacy is not limited to physical touch; it is the capacity to communicate one’s authentic self with another person to build a close-knit and deep connection. A fear of intimacy is often the cause of the inability to build relationships with others, whether romantic or platonic.
What is a fear of intimacy?
A fear of intimacy is a dread of sharing a close relationship, emotional or physical, with another person. Also known as intimacy avoidance or avoidance anxiety, people who suffer from this fear typically avoid connection. In many cases, individuals may yearn for closeness, yet push people away or self-sabotage.
While a fear of intimacy and a fear of vulnerability may be intertwined, they are not identical. Those with a fear of vulnerability are typically unwilling or afraid of opening up. By contrast, someone with a fear of intimacy may open up initially, but start to pull back when a relationship feels “too close.”
Causes of a fear of intimacy
A fear of intimacy is often a defence mechanism developed after difficult experiences. Someone may avoid closeness to prevent getting hurt.
Common causes include:
- Fear of abandonment – This could have resulted from childhood experiences such as the loss or separation of a loved one.
- Fear of rejection – Past ridicule or criticism can lead to avoiding closeness to prevent being hurt again.
- Avoidant personality traits/disorder
- Anxiety disorders – A fear of intimacy may be a subset of social anxiety.
- Physical, verbal, or sexual abuse
- Parental neglect
- Fear of losing oneself or being controlled in a relationship
If trauma is part of your history, processing it with EMDR or Schema Therapy can reduce the reflex to withdraw.
Signs of a fear of intimacy
Signs are often obvious but misread as indifference or anger. For example, it may appear as being unsympathetic or cold.
An individual may:
- Fear commitment (serial dating or only short-term relationships)
- Struggle with trust and low self-esteem
- Have difficulty expressing needs or feelings
- Avoid physical contact
- Experience outbursts of anger
- Self-sabotage (e.g., constant criticism or unfounded accusations)
- Push others away after a period of closeness
How fear of intimacy affects relationships
Fear of intimacy can significantly impact relationships. Someone may hold back affection, causing loved ones to feel unloved or unappreciated. Walls around emotional connection make it hard for others to truly know them.
Importantly, individuals with this fear often do want a deep bond—behaviours and protective reflexes simply get in the way. Without understanding and support, risks include isolation, depression, or substance use.
Overcoming the fear to build meaningful relationships
Professional guidance is often needed, especially when the fear is rooted in past events. Psychotherapy offers an in-depth analysis of beliefs, attitudes, behaviours, and experiences that shape your patterns, then helps you re-learn safety and closeness.
At Emotional Wellness Counselling Singapore, we integrate:
- Schema Therapy to map and shift “I’ll be rejected/controlled” core beliefs
- EMDR to desensitise triggers tied to past rejection, abandonment, or abuse
- Gestalt/parts work to give voice to protective parts and unmet needs
- CBT & communication skills to express needs, set boundaries, and tolerate closeness
- Optional couples sessions via Marriage Counselling to practise safer connection together
Not sure where to start? Contact us and we’ll suggest a first step that fits your pace.
Conclusion
We provide professional counselling services in Singapore. Our experienced psychotherapist has 18+ years of practice helping clients with youth, relationship, anxiety, and depression concerns. With the right support, you can soften avoidance, build secure connection, and feel valued in love and friendship.
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