By Carol Goh
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Infidelity is often treated with a black-and-white lens as one of the worst betrayals in a relationship. It brings with it heavy cultural stigma and an assumption that affairs happen in relationships that are already falling apart. The assumption is simple: if someone cheats, there must have been something wrong, something missing, or something broken, and there is no redemption. But the reality is far more complex.
Studies and real-life experiences have shown time and time again that infidelity can happen even in seemingly stable, loving relationships. This challenges everything we think we know about affairs: If the relationship wasn’t lacking, then why did they cheat?
Diving deeper into the dilemma: What draws people to transgress the values they work so hard to uphold?
The aftermath of infidelity is multi-fold. For the betrayed partner, the pain is profound. Intense feelings of abandonment, humiliation, and self-doubt weigh heavy. They may ask themselves: Was I not enough? What did the other person have that I couldn’t give?
On the other hand, it’s also easy to make a knee-jerk judgement that the unfaithful partner is selfish, immoral, and irredeemable. After all, the pain it causes is undeniable. However, this article hopes to explore a gentler approach to understanding why infidelity happens despite the amount of damage it does to everyone involved.
More often than not, infidelity isn’t born out of pure selfishness or malice. Many unfaithful partners experience deep internal conflict, guilt, confusion and even regret over their actions. While cheating is undeniably a heavy and hurtful betrayal, some wrestle with emotions they don’t fully understand, torn between their choices and the immorality of their actions—not just because they have hurt someone they love, but because they cannot understand why they would risk everything for something that may not even last.
Opening up a conversation to understanding why doesn’t mean excusing it, but rather exploring a possible pathway for healing—not only for each individual involved, but for the relationship as a whole.
The crisis of identity: Affairs as attempts to reclaim the lost self
An affair is rarely about replacing one partner with a “better” one. Instead, the affair partner may represent a different version of the self: a version that is spontaneous, unburdened, or more connected to a part of life that has been neglected.
A person who has spent years being the responsible spouse and caregiver may suddenly be drawn to someone who makes them feel young and reckless again. A devoted parent may find themselves envious of the freedom their children now have, leading to a longing for a life that feels less predictable. They may desire to let their hair down and experience the thrill and freedom that is lost in a relationship with rules, routines and responsibilities—making it easy to romanticise an affair partner as an escape from real-life struggles, especially after the novelty of their present relationship begins to wear off.
These affairs are not just betrayals of a partner, but also crises of identity and attempts to reclaim the parts of the self that were never explored. They feel lost in an inherent contradiction of still loving their partner and the lives they have created together, yet craving something outside of the relationship.
Most importantly, their betrayal is not a reflection of their partner’s worth. It is a reflection of unresolved turmoil within themselves that needs to be acknowledged and seriously worked on.
Moving forward: Can a marriage survive infidelity?
Healing after infidelity is a deeply complicated and painful process. Many struggle with the belief that if they had done more, their partner wouldn’t have strayed. This internalisation of blame only deepens the wound, compounding the anger and devastation of betrayal. But the truth is, being “enough” or doing everything “right” does not guarantee fidelity.
Instead of asking, “What was missing in the relationship?”, a more revealing question might be, “What was happening within the emotional landscape of the unfaithful partner?” Shifting the focus here doesn’t excuse the betrayal, but it can provide clarity often necessary for healing—whether that means rebuilding the marriage or choosing to move forward separately.
The key lies not just in whether the unfaithful partner is remorseful, but whether they are willing to do the deep, difficult work of understanding why they strayed in the first place. It requires painful conversations, emotional processing, and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths. It is not an easy road, and many couples struggle to navigate it alone.
For related approaches, see Schema Therapy and EMDR—both can support recovery from betrayal trauma alongside Marriage Counselling.
Conclusion
Choosing to rebuild a relationship after infidelity is deeply personal, but true healing requires the unfaithful partner to do the hard work of rebuilding trust and deep self-reflection. Remorse alone isn’t enough. They must take accountability and understand why the affair happened. At the same time, the betrayed partner must remember that infidelity is not a reflection of their worth. Even the most loving, devoted partners can be betrayed.
For those who leave their marriage for an affair partner, it’s crucial to recognise that the excitement of secrecy and novelty won’t last once the relationship faces real-world responsibilities. Infidelity thrives in fantasy, but lasting relationships require stability, commitment, and mutual respect. Navigating this emotional turmoil alone can be overwhelming. Therapy provides a space to process difficult emotions, uncover deeper truths, and gain clarity on the path forward. While infidelity can feel like an ending, for many, it becomes the beginning of a deeper understanding of themselves, their needs, and the dynamics of their relationship.
Considering support? Book an appointment or contact us to explore marriage counselling and individual therapy options.
Seeking professional help
If you’re struggling with the aftermath of infidelity—whether you’re the betrayed partner, the one who strayed, or both—it can feel overwhelming to untangle the complex emotions involved. Feelings of guilt, confusion, anger, grief, or fear about the future are valid and deserve a safe space for exploration and healing.
At Emotional Wellness, we offer compassionate and professional marriage counselling in Singapore to help couples and individuals navigate the emotional turmoil of infidelity. Through evidence-based approaches such as schema therapy, EMDR therapy, and integrative psychotherapy, we provide support tailored to your unique experience. With over 18 years of counselling experience, our psychotherapist can help you make sense of what happened, rebuild trust, and foster emotional clarity—whether you choose to heal together or move forward separately.
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