By Carol Goh
When a group photo arrives, most people check themselves first. That’s normal. But if you can’t bear to look, or you quickly conclude “I’m a failure,” those reactions may reflect low self-esteem driven by harsh inner beliefs and past hurts. This article explains where those beliefs come from and how therapy helps you change them—for good.
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What really causes low self-esteem?
A persistent inner critic often repeats messages like:
- “I can do nothing right.”
- “I don’t deserve to be loved.”
- “I’m never good enough.”
These negative core beliefs usually form from repeated messages—explicit or implied—from important people (parents, teachers, peers). Over time, they become automatic, shaping how you see yourself and making daily life heavier. Learn more about how therapy works overall: Psychotherapy.
Messages from authority (parents, teachers)
In competitive environments, conditional approval (“be perfect to be accepted”) can create fragile self-worth. Fear of failing to meet expectations triggers anxiety, avoidance, and eventually self-doubt—fuel for the belief “I’m not good enough.” Related read: Seeking Help for Depression.
Messages from peers
Bullying, ostracism, betrayal, or constant comparison can cement beliefs such as “I’m ugly,” “I’m a loser,” or “No one likes me.” For teen presentations, see: Youth Counselling.
How low self-esteem shows up
To balance the pain, many people over-compensate:
- Perfectionism and overwork to secure approval
- People-pleasing and weak boundaries
- Escaping into addictions (e.g., gaming)
- Control or possessiveness in relationships
Emotionally, you may battle anger, anxiety, or depression, and live in fear of “failing.”
Psychotherapy that heals—not just “positive thinking”
Affirmations and new hobbies can help briefly, but deep change comes from processing the roots and rewiring belief networks. We use an integrative approach tailored to your history:
- Gestalt (Empty Chair) — safely express grief/anger and resolve “unfinished business.” See also: Anger Management Counselling.
- Inner-Child Dialogue — meet unmet needs with compassion and safety.
- Schema Therapy — identify “life traps” (abandonment, shame, failure) and practice corrective experiences where you finally have a voice. Learn more: Schema Therapy.
- EMDR — process memories that maintain shame and self-criticism; desensitise triggers and install adaptive beliefs. Learn more: EMDR.
- Journalling & Bibliotherapy — solidify insights and self-compassion through reflective writing and curated reads: Bibliotherapy.
- Skills & habits — boundaries, nervous-system regulation, and daily self-respect rituals. For a structured change pathway, see: The RENEW Program.
“We cannot change what we are not aware of, and once we are aware, we cannot help but change.” — Sheryl Sandberg
First steps you can take
- Map the messages — list the exact phrases you internalised from family, school, peers.
- Notice body cues — where do shame and fear live (chest, stomach, throat)?
- Name the belief → name the need — e.g., “I’m not enough” → “I need safety, encouragement, realistic standards.”
- Begin corrective experiences — with your therapist, practise new boundaries, self-advocacy, and self-soothing that disconfirm the old story.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” — Carl Rogers
Life on the other side
With self-esteem restored, you act from authentic values, not fear of rejection. As Mitch Albom’s Tuesdays with Morrie puts it:
“The culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn’t work, don’t buy it.”
Make an appointment
You don’t have to fight this alone.
WhatsApp us for urgent scheduling , contact us, or book an appointment for a confidential session (in-person or online).
The information in this article is for educational purposes and isn’t a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
